All tagged Captain Badass
“Dad, give me a spray can,” Joy says, opening her palm.
Justin thinks for a second, then says, “What color do you want?”
“Red,” Joy answers immediately and with certainty. “For the Red Dragon.”
A spray can appears in Joy’s hand. It glows a soft-blue light for a brief moment and the light disappears. Joy has made the can permanent.
She walks over to the wall. “I have a message for Captain Badass,” she says. “And Grandma taught me to write.”
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“He watched us leave the dream!” Charlie exclaims. “He left your dream! That’s why he’s not here!”
Justin is beginning to pace back and forth in what now seems to be Captain Badass’ abandoned base.
“I don’t know. I don’t know,” he says.
“Why not, Dad?”
Justin exhales slowly. “I don’t know. How would he get from here to the suns? One ship was a dream ship, so it disappeared when I woke up and it hasn’t returned. His permanent ship is on its side in the ocean on Earth. How would he get from here to the sun?”
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Justin walks through the door.
Joy puts her hand on Charlie’s shoulder, stopping him from walking forward. As soon as he stops, she motions with that hand that they should wait. Her other hand is on her sword, ready to pull it out.
“Come in!” Justin says. “All clear!”
We all walk into the dome.
The look of the room is surprising. It is just an empty dome. There isn’t a table, a carpet, a chair, a piece of paper, a picture on the wall. There is the inside of the smooth dome. And then there are the telescopes - the three giant telescopes that I’ve seen outside begin inside, converging in the middle of the room.
“This is creepy,” Charlie says. “Where is everything?”
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Justin is armed to the teeth with two laser pistols, one on each side of his belt, and General Hawk’s Falcon on his back. Master Mind prepares by having two cannons come out of his exoskeleton, a different one out of each hand. Joy arms herself with a sword and a laser pistol.
Charlie and I remain unarmed.
Justin takes us to the moon.
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“Say after me. Say it with anger,” Sam says. “Shit!”
Charlie giggles. Joy says, “Why would I say shit?”
“Because you feel a need to curse. When people don’t like something, they use words that The Man calls dirty and bad. But they’re not dirty, they’re just words.”
“But when I shit, it is dirty. I wouldn’t touch it.”
“Yes, yes, of course,” Sam says. I don’t think he’s ever met a child this direct. “But we use it as a curse word. Just to show anger. Say it with me: Shit!”
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“Watch, Charlie, Grandma, Grampa,” Joy holds the shackles of one of the six Martian Space Pirates, who are just standing there on the deck of Bonny’s Revenge, and points in the direction of the doorway next to her cabin. “All you have to do is point and they go.”
“That’s right,” Justin says. “At this point the villains never resist. And Joy just leads them.”
Joy leads the prisoners. Charlie walks next to her, his eyes sparkling with excitement. Justin, Suzy and I walk behind them. Master Mind stays on the deck.
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Captain Badass’ ship headed towards the unprotected Bonny’s Revenge.
Captain Badass clearly knew that Dragon Little was asleep and that Dragon Father, his hated foe, had disappeared and would not return for hours.
Just as his ship approached Bonny’s Revenge I descended in front of it, blocking its path.
Captain Badass stopped his ship.
“God damn dragon,” he yelled at me, taking a few steps forward, his wooden peg leg moving awkwardly. “Your master isn’t here! Go away!”
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I will tell you what happened one day, when Dragon Little slept.
It had been a full day’s adventure for Dragon Little and Dragon Father. The villains were defeated and put in the infinite prison in the belly of Bonny’s Revenge. Dragon Father disappeared after tucking Dragon Little in, and Dragon Little slept soundly.
I watched, as always, from my hiding place high above, listening with my sharp dragons ears, watching Dragon Father’s dream, and licking my emotional wounds from centuries of torture and slavery.
Then something moved.
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I had just rescued Dragon Little without her knowing it was me from being captured by Captain Badass.
Dragon Father had disappeared not long ago after a full day of adventure, which meant that he would only return to his dream in sixteen or seventeen hours. If I were Dragon Little, now back aboard Bonny’s Revenge, outnumbered and without my father, I would run and hide using my faster ship.
But that ist not what Dragon Little did.
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But then I saw something.
Dragon Little noticed it before me, and I followed her gaze.
A familiar flying pirate ship emerged from behind the moon, and flew towards Dragon Little.
I perked up, ready to perhaps take action.
It was the pirate ship of Captain Badass, the one villain who was ever able to escape the Infinite Prison, and escape it repeatedly.
Dragon Father was gone for the next sixteen or seventeen hours. She would be unprotected… except for me.
I stood up in my hiding place… but I waited.
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Dragon Father disappeared in the middle of a swashbuckling battle with Captain Badass and his pirates.
Bonny’s Revenge and Captain Badass’ ship hung in the air just outside a cloud city, and his entire crew had leapt onto Bonny’s Revenge. Only three minutes into the battle, Dragon Father disappeared (having woken up). With him disappeared the cloud city as well as all of Captain Badass’ pirates.
But he, as almost all top villains do, remained behind.
And Dragon Little, only three-and-a-half years old, stood in front of him, metal sword in hand.
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“What’s the use of putting me in prison?” Captain Badass ranted. “I’ll escape. You know I will.”
It was true. Of all the villains, it was only Captain Badass who was able to escape captivity. The prison did not keep him. He would always return.
“Yeah, yeah,” Dragon Father said. “Walk faster.”
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My little Dragon Little fired her laser pistol at Santa Claus.
Santa Claus jumped aside and fell awkwardly on his side.
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“Surrender, girl!” he screamed at the top of his voice and aimed his sword at her face.
“You know what you have to say, Captain Badass!” she said, at all flustered by the threat. “Tweedle weedle dee!”
He hesitated. He looked around at his pirates. He probably suspected her of using some kind of ploy, but was comforted by the numbers. “Eh…. Surrender… Please?”
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Dragon Father looked at their flying ship disappearing into the sky. “Of course you realize,” he growled, “this means war!” And then he laughed at himself, as if he had told a joke.
“Of course you realize,” Dragon Little copied her father, “This meenz wore!”
“Should we get them, Joy?”
Joy nodded. “Get them!”
“I mean it, Captain Badass. I haven’t seen Joy anywhere all day. Have you kidnapped her?”
Captain Badass sighed again, but could not resist. “She is there, right there on your back.”