‘The Squashbuckler Diaries’ are the daily tales of Joy Shelley’s Life in the Dream. The ‘Lost in Dreams’ books will tell the story of what happens to her at ages 6, 9, 12, 15, and so on. The diaries tell us what happens before, after, and between the books.

#94: The Snot Eater, Part 1

Dragon Little was five years old when Dragon Father noticed that her finger has been consistently up her nose for the last hour.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

He had just woken her in her cabin on Bonny’s Revenge, the stolen pirate ship they had turned into their home. They had gone through their morning routine, and were about to embark on adventure

Dragon Little looked at him with big, innocent green eyes, took the finger out, and tasted the snot.

“Ach! Ach!” Dragon Father jumped in place. “That’s disgusting! Who taught you to do that, because I didn’t teach you to do that!”

Dragon Little didn’t answer. She looked at him and put her finger in her nose again.

“Ahh!” Dragon Father shook his entire body as if had been crawling with worms. “Please please please don’t do that!”

It was as if he found it hard to move. His entire body seemed to resist his smallest movements.

Dragon Little stared at him, big eyed, face expressionless, finger searching her nose.

“Please,” he tried to take a step towards her, but it was as if he was walking on an unstable ground, “take your finger out of your nose…”

She took her finger out of her nose.

“…And wash it…”

She put it in her mouth and ate the snot.

“Ahhhhhh!” he shivered again.

“Listen…” now speaking seemed to be an effort. “It’s good, is it? Tasty? You want me a pizza with snot on it?”

Dragon Little made a face of disgust.

“Do you want me to make a kebab out of your snot? How about candy?”

“No!” Dragon Little said emphatically and put her finger back up her nose, searching for something.

“A-a-a-a-a-a-a-h,” Dragon Father shivered. “Joy—"

But he was cut short as waves came from the side of the ship and a green monster appeared from the depths of the ocean.

It took me a second from my vantage point among the suns to understand what it was. It was so different from all other villains I had seen Dragon Father summon up in his dream until now.

The monster’s body was slimy and dripping, and it took me a few seconds to realize it was all made of snot.

“Now you’ve done it!” Dragon Father complained. “You woke up the Snot Eater!”

“I love snot!” roared the Snot Eater. “I smell snot! Where is the snot! I must have it!” He looked around, standing inside the water in his human shape, a green giant standing on the ocean floor head and shoulders above the water, above Bonny Revenge’s deck.

He raised a green hand from the ocean. It was longer than the deck and almost as wide. He pointed it at Dragon Little.

“You!” he roared slowly. “I must have your snot… To rule the world!”

“Oh, Joy…” Dragon Father sighed, shaking his head.

And thus the day’s adventure begun. I will tell you more about what happened tomorrow.

—Told by The Red Dragon

#95: The Snot Eater, Part 2

#93: I'll Be Back